place to store thoughts

2005-08-19T14:55:00.000+04:00

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.....

kill me if you can

2005-06-24T17:23:00.000+04:00

i am just wondering - will this day EVER end??? my head is bursting :(

back

2005-06-22T18:23:00.000+04:00

well well well...

it's been a long time since i posted anything here and many things changed during this time and i changed too. quite a lot. only i haven't decided yet whether the change is for the better or for the worse. but who cares? :) me is still me anyway

the life one week shorter :)

2005-05-08T01:27:00.000+04:00

This week…
Strange week
Started with my freaking out without any particular reason
Continued with my being afraid of something without any particular reason
Then a short period of “imitating boisterous activity” which expressed itself in my getting a few calls about possible job interviews next week
By the way these possible interviews forced me to cancel one event which I had expected and wanted a lot – a trip to the coast with some friends
So my friends went there but I stayed back
Anyway, hopefully they are having great time there. And I am also pretty sure we will have some more chances this summer to go to the sea together and have some fun
So after a short period of “pretending of being busy” every possible activity, imaginary or real, ceased
And then came the “calm time” – at least that’s how I learned to treat my idle hours after all

Reading – after a long time I started reading a book, this time it is Hemingway’s “Movable Feast”
and i'm enjoying it a lot:
The atmosphere he creates is absolutely remarkable
Gentle melancholy
Remembering the happy days with a sad smile as those days are gone
But when you remember them they make you feel light and warm
And that “iceberg” presentation of events – telling only about some everyday facts
Yet that’s only the top of the iceberg
Those events represent and mean much more underneath. You just need to be attentive enough to see those hidden motives and feelings and circumstances
Anyway I am still reading it and definitely there is much more to see and understand in it

This book is by the way strongly associated for me with “The City of Angels” which is one of my most favourite :) So this doubles the pleasure

Then as I was not going to the seaside I decided to make the weekend a movie-watching one
Got myself a handful of dvd’s plus one of my best friends brought me a couple of films more

So I am in the process of watching them

And I should say the choice of films seems to be quite successful
I already watched “Samaritan” and it struck me as an absolutely exquisite piece of cinematographic art
Again – I repeat myself of course but I am obliged to say this – I just love the whole atmosphere of the film
Just imagine beautiful calm music and amazing scenes of nature, and at the background of this purely harmonious picture we are told a bitter human tragedy
And the way we “hear” the story is something not too ordinary either – very few actual dialogues, very few words in general
We are shown rather than told
This all just makes the perception of the story so intense, that it reaches to the deepest corners of consciousness and touches upon soul

Another film was “Finding Neverland” with Johnny Depp. It’s different and it is excellent in its kind. Johnny is as good as ever :) I loved it
I actually just finished watching it some minutes ago

And now am sitting here, listening to Russian reggae (ya, this thing exists :))))
5Nizza is the name of the band
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
And i'm typing away the extra thoughts that were stuck in my head

So… back to this week...
Come on! It was quite good after all :)
I hope the next one will be better for us all and for some people in particular :)

Hugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

See you around

.

2005-05-02T22:02:00.000+04:00

wanted to arrange the mess in the head in a strict line of words and phrases but it seems right now an impossible thing to do: the mess in the head is a deal too great. and i simply cannot distingiush any definite elements in it. i only know that it feels pretty much as if in a comics picture some wicked artist erased the ground under my feet and now i am standing in the air and trying hard to remain there and thus to resist all the laws of gravitation.
my point is - i need someone's therapy, not therapy even, just presence :)
those demon-thoughts, will i ever be free from them?
nah, i need to put a stop here for tonight, or i'll indulge in self-pity and self-analysis and this won't lead to anything good

events - just met and called and received calls from some of best friends, which was a pleasant thing of course
all the rest is the usual routine, usual talks, usual discussions of nothing in particular, usual making plans about nothing in particular, usual existing, usual spending days, usual state of being idle (i even got used to it already, strange as it is).

by the way - tomorrow is my last (as i decided) attempt to get the damned driving license in a legal and official way. if i fail the attempt there will come the turn for inofficial and illegal way (i promise, it does not require any killings though).
fucking russland - that's how we call this system

ok, enough of this crap

finita la comedia (for now)

waiting for something to happen. anything

2005-04-26T23:05:00.000+04:00

Ya ya, I know. I haven’t visited this place for a veeeeeeeeeeeeeery long time. When was it? Something like a month ago? Anyway, I had my reasons for that of course. The main of which was my natural laziness. And also I didn’t want to repeat the same things over and over again.
And after all the people I wanted to know about my thoughts knew about them.
So what’s exactly happened since the last time I was here a month ago? Actually not much. And a great deal at the same time.

Well, I’ll try to analyze this period in some order.

Work –
The month started in quite an optimistic way – I had several one-time orders for translations, was very very busy. But I enjoyed it a lot. Yet it was just a short period of such activities. And now it’s all silent and still again. And that’s a pity. And I’m getting desperate. Actually I am just continuing to be desperate. More and more so. No more hopes left about having some good luck in getting a proper regular job. Something I really want to do – working with interpreting, or at least somehow being connected with international relations. No such places are vacant in our city, which is in reality only a damned provincial market town. So it seems I am almost ready now to accept any, any stupid office work they offer me. I am just getting crazy sitting and doing nothing.

Well, in reality I AM doing something. I am pretty busy at university these days working instead of a teacher who is not well now. And the situation is such that my university chief is ready to offer me to take over this work as that teacher is most likely not coming back to work soon. Or probably will leave the work at all. But the problem is – I don’t want this work. It means working long hours at university plus working long hours at home to get ready for classes and in the result only very small payment and no perspective. Well, those are all lame excuses. I simply do not want to work there. That’s all. Maybe I’m acting ridiculously in my situation. Someone would say “Why don’t you just grab what is offered to you and be happy with it? After all it is prestigious to be a university teacher.” And still…probably I am stupid but I don’t feel like working there at all.

I am attending quite a lot of interview these days. Sick and tired of all those typical questions about how good and skilful and perfect etc etc I am, about my future career plan (what plan are you talking about, damn you??? I am interpreter and want to be an interpreter and I don’t want to be any big boss or something! Interpreters can hardly have any career path. They either work or not. At least most of them). All those haughty ladies with their condescending tone and sarcastic smiles. I know they are doing their job but they insult people while accomplishing their duties. So I am just attending these interviews mechanically, answering to their questions mechanically. Right, with such attitude I have little chance to get any job. So I should try and pretend and play and wear the masks they want me to wear and tell the things they want to hear. But I first need to find strength to do all these socially-demanded things. And I have little strength to do that as of now.

Now to the long story of getting my driving license. I am at the finish line but I am not yet the winner of this long and bloody battle. I did theory test excellently. Of course if did! I knew those questions by heart almost. I did all the tests 4 times in running. But as for the practical part – that’s where the problem was and still is. I failed one part, then passed it, then failed another part and passed it later. Now I failed the last and most complicated part – driving through the city just where the cop tells you to drive. It went ok but for different reasons I failed it. What the hell? I’ll try again next Tuesday. Whatever. Sooner or later I will get the license. Actually the only reason I failed practical part is that I lacked practice as it is.

As for the general situation – it’s too complicated. I am lost still. I don’t know where I am heading and what I am supposed to do. I know all this “you need to be patient, just a little patience and everything will work out”. But I am patient, only my patience has its limits. And I do not have even a slight outline of my future. Looking back at the time a couple of months ago it seems that I had some plan, at some point of time I had a very clear plan. But by now all those plans collapsed or turned out to be unrealistic or not worth even trying to put into life. So…I don’t know what to do, as simple as that. I don’t know where I am heading with my life. I don’t know what I have to do and if I have to do anything at all.

As for things that I noticed, observed or was impressed by – several of them.
For example the flight of a martin at the background of the bright blue sky with huge white clouds out of the city is a very beautiful sight. Watched this today while waiting for my turn to drive and was hypnotized by it.

Movies – lots of them, but the one that impressed me most was “Sea Inside”. When I watched it I felt that after all we are just naughty, complaining about our life which is just heavenly in comparison to the existence and suffering of some other people. I thought we are just ungrateful for what we got. I felt we should appreciate our lives more as they are and accept them.
But then I got this idea that after all you can be not physically but also spiritually crippled. You can feel not only some physical disability. You can suffer spiritually and mentally as much as you suffer in your body, or even more. Anyway, it’s a topic for a long discussion. And as in many other questions there is hardly one definite RIGHT answer to it. It just depends.

Music – lots and lots of it. But mostly I am listening to the stuff I get from my “music instructor” :).
Books – ashamed to say but I haven’t read a single book for quite long. Not in a reading mood probably. This mood will come back naturally :).

Well, after all writing a blog is a good thing. Now I do feel much better than a few hours before when I got another fit of depressed “what am I to do” mood.

So I am glad that i am back here and I will try to come here sooner.

update

2005-03-23T21:35:00.000+03:00

Sometimes your mind seems to be so blank that you simply don’t know what to say, let alone what to write about. And sometimes there are so many thoughts and emotions that it turns out to be next to impossible to express them in any understandable way. The latter is the situation with me now. There is so much to say that I really do not quite know how to start, with what to continue and how to finish this monologue.

So I just thought I will go and check on my warehouse and see what comes out of pointless typing on the keyboard, lol.

One of the thoughts that visited my mind recently was the one about the past few weeks, or rather the past few months. This was a peculiar time for me. On the one hand I can call it one of the most difficult periods in my life, but at the same time it turned out to be of the brightest and happiest times too (if not the brightest and happiest so far ;) ).

The other thought was about the benefits that progress brings to people :D…It was accompanied by the thought that theoretically and practically many things are possible which if you first look at them seem quite unreal.

There was of course a place for usual demon-thoughts. After all they have a life-time rent in my head and I cannot possibly get rid of them for good. So the little “what to do with my life” demon visited my again a couple of times. But this monster is weak now. And I am floating somewhere. Just letting the winds blow and watching where they drive me. They will bring me somewhere, though I haven’t the slightest idea where.

There were and are naturally many more thoughts but they are either copying or echoing the major ones mentioned above. So no need to talk of them now.

There were some dark moments in the past few days or weeks, but they were quite insignificant in number if compared with the cheerful ones. I actually was lost quite far away from everyday life. And I still am…

Recent observations:

Went jogging tonight and found out that it’s fun to run with the snow falling on the face. Cool feeling :D.
I also caught a glimpse of school students practicing their graduation party waltz in the school. Those are the students who are graduating this year and it is a tradition that at the solemn meeting at the end of the last term for them they give speeches of thanks etc etc and some pairs also dance a waltz. So they are obviously already practicing it. That drove me back to the similar time some 6 years ago when I was a school undergraduate myself. All those thoughts, hopes, wishes, fear of moving forward in your life and eagerness to do that too :D.

Now to the other blog-reporting elements –

Films: watched several but nothing special to talk about.
Books: well, I read half of Nabokov’s notorious “Lolita” but then I was affected by an “anti-reading” wave and so I still need to get back to reading it.
Music: mmmmmmm, lots of it. Excellent music. Enjoying the music itself and the lyrics too. But most of all I adore the symbolism of it, the message conveyed to me with the help of it :).
As for today (and yesterday and the day before…), the song of the day is 3 Doors Down’s Landing on London :)

The details are available in p2p format ;)

closer

2005-03-11T18:46:00.000+03:00

just a few lines that got stuck in my head. it's from a song

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
Still I can't say what's going on

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

happened to anyone?

Confucius

2005-03-09T00:11:00.000+03:00

I came across his phrase some time ago and it got stuck in my mind.
He said it’s better to light one little candle than curse darkness all life long.

But what if you try to light that candle and burn the fingers instead?
What to do? Don’t give a damn about the burnt fingers and still try to light the candle? But that’s painful; and moreover what if you still fail to get the light because of strong wind for example? Then you’ll have both burnt fingers and darkness, i.e. didn’t achieve what you longed for and plus hurt yourself.

Or should you spare the fingers and stay in the dark? But it is not a very pleasant option to spend the whole life in complete darkness. Just think of those people who are blind. And think about the life they have. And about the world (“no-world” as someone called it) they live in.

And there’s another scenario of what might happen. The candle is lit, everyone is happy and then someone or something puts the light away. And you find yourself in complete darkness again after having known the illuminated world. It’s like giving the child a toy and then taking it away. Only the aftermath and the sufferings are much worse.

And what about that “don’t play with fire” recommendation? The fire from the candle (if you managed it carelessly) may catch you dress and hair and envelope you and destroy you). This option is probably the least likely to happen.

And there’s another option. What if your candle scolds someone else who’s walking somewhere near you?

Of course there is a tiny little chance that you’ll carry the candle through your life and the wax from it dripping on your palms will warm you.
But what if not? Tales seldom have a happy end in reality.

Well, probably I just misinterpreted what the wise man wanted to convey to people. And most likely these words can be understood in more than just one way.
But I understood them just as I understood them. And those thoughts keep circulating in my head.
Idle mind is devil’s workshop for sure.

P.S. In case some wouldn't understand what I'm mumbling here about, it's the usual "To love or not to love, that is the question" (re-phrasing Shakespeare) type of thought.

advantages of being a university teacher :)

2005-03-05T17:31:00.000+03:00

Winter came to Krasnodar. In spring. Yep, for the last couple of days we had quite a lot (for our region) snow. So in the morning I was going to the university for my seminars and remembering all the curse words in all the languages I know ‘cuz I thought I’ll really break my neck rather then reach the bus stop walking on that ice rink of a pavement. But then as I was walking past a park I had a sudden urge to skip my own seminars (hehe, the students would have been surprised – the teacher skips classes :D). Yet I subdued the tempting thought to walk in the park instead of translating an article with “the big kids” and just went slowly to see the picture better. It was grand – the path covered with thick snow. It seemed no one had yet walked there. There were quite few traces there. Most of the paths were covered with “virgin snow”.

Fine. Then I came to university and was happy enough to have all the parts of me together :D.
Now some information to make understandable what I say next.

March 8 is a national holiday in Russia. It’s the so-called Women’s Day. So today is the last work-day before the holidays (this year we have days-off till 9th). There’s a wide-spread tradition to greet women with flowers etc. on this holiday. So the path to the university was all filled with flower stalls. And the contrast was picturesque . Snowdrifts on the sides of the road and snow on the lawn and bare trees but there just before the eyes all possible spring flowers. I even saw my favourite yellow and white tulips. :D

And I was really surprised when every group where I teach presented me a bunch of flowers :).
That’s one of the few advantages of being a university teacher :D.
So that was the first half of my “today”. And now I’m having the usual (and probably of the most favourite) pastime.

Usual elements of blog-reporting:

Work – no work :D. I actually determined myself a deadline. If I can’t find a job by May I’ll go back to work to the hotel where I worked. They’ll be 200% happy to have me back. And that’s probably after all a better option than sitting on my “fifth point of support”, conventionally called “butt” and better than being a secretary with laughable salary. Of course it’ll be only for some time, just till I figure out what to do with myself next. Anyway, I have almost 2 months to that deadline.

Thoughts – many thoughts. But most of them are pleasant. Strangest thing is happening – I lost the job which I liked notwithstanding all the drawbacks, I’m struggling with this maniac diving instructor, I have all uncertainty ahead etc etc. But regardless of all that I’m calmer now than I’ve been for quite long. Plus the smile is on its place most of the time.

Music – different music;
Books – wave of reading definitely passed, yet I’m struggling through a book by Graham Greene;
Films – the last one I watched was “Closer” and I enjoyed it immensely. Believe it or not I am still a little under the “spell”, at least still listening to one song from it. And I’m also facing the dilemma what to do tomorrow morning – to go to the cinema in the morning or write a great deal of emails which are pending now. Haven’t decided yet.

I think that’s it

I actually just wanted to tell about March 8, but it seems I’m too awful a chatterbox to restrict myself to a couple of sentences, lol.

Take care to all

p.s. And still I’m quite happy that at least officially spring has come :))) yaaaaaaay

kisses and hugs

feathers in the snow

2005-03-03T10:33:00.000+03:00

So instead of spring we got real winter now. Not for long as I suspect, but still everything is white and the “white flies” circle in the air since yesterday. Well, they don’t circle, what’s going on outside can be easily called a snowstorm. This snow even saved me today from the torture of driving class (I enjoy the driving but I can hardly stand the instructor and it’s getting worse and worse).
Anyway, I’m here with a different idea in my mind. The thing is – there is a poplar tree right outside my window. Many years ago my grandpa made several nest bases of wire and attached them to a pole and hung this pole on the tree on the level of that very window. And since then every year we’ve got several wild pigeon families (or are they called culvers? – ash-grey birds with a thin black collar round the neck) nesting there. Those must already be the great-great-grand-children of the first generation :).
So some weeks ago another family came to the nest and settled there. Obviously they are already “expecting a baby” because they virtually never leave the nest for a second. And now the picture is the following – the nest is a little hillock of snow and out of this snow there sticks a tail of a bird. Nothing else is visible. That’s not the first time these birds show the miracles of parental devotion but every time it amazes me. They stand the snow, the rain, the strongest wind which seems strong enough to blow away the nest together with all its inhabitants. And still they wouldn’t leave it.
Of course sceptics would say it is simply their instinct. Well, then this instinct works wonders. And unfortunately it is definitely stronger than the parental instinct in some human beings.

anyway, take care
if anyone wants to come and have a snow battle here, you are most welcome ;)
hugs

total fiasco

2005-02-25T12:18:00.000+03:00

mood-indifferent, i am the greatest fuckitaller of our times as well as an outstanding never-minder, don't-carer and whateverer
but this behavior is well-grounded:
They say that hope dies last and it is supposed to inspire some bloody reckless optimism into you. But what should you do when the poor creature finally dies, when you get a hard blow with a brick against your forehead which leaves a clear inscription on this very forehead saying “It is all over. The convict Hope is condemned to death. The sentence to be carried out immediately”? How should you react to this? No idea. so i am right now mourning over the untimely death of another one of these sickly creations of human mind.
as for the other elements of my blog-reporting...
music-none
books-finished recently quite a good intellectual detective story (styled as a novel of 19 century) by a russian writer, B. Akunin. it contained a lot of facts about japanese culture and i really enjoyed it. but now the reading wave is evidently over.
films-haven't watched anything for ages.
phrases of the day-haven't decided it yet
will get back here later in the day

nothing in particular

2005-02-21T15:02:00.000+03:00

I haven’t updated the assortment in my warehouse for quite a long time. I was too busy trying to cope with some problems and some thoughts.

The outcome is here

Phrase of the last couple of days: everyone bears the responsibility for his/her own life (i.e. you can’t blame someone else for ruining your life), at least I’m trying to convince myself of that

Music of these days: no music, I haven’t listened to a single song during the past days. I am living through a reading-wave. So I am much into books now.
For instance the day before yesterday I remembered that some 10 years ago while I still had private English classes with my tutor she gave me some story to read which at that time I didn’t understand fully. I mean I liked it but the very essence of it escaped me then. I remembered only a part of the title “The Bomb Party”. So I decided to try and find this story. It turned out to be Graham Greene’s “Dr. Fisher of Geneva or the Bomb Party”. I “swallowed it in one gulp” and enjoyed it immensely. Absolutely adorable piece of literature. I recommend it to everyone.
So this gave me the thought that I probably should re-read some of the works I read before, to feel them anew, from the point of view of a more adult person. Anyway, I am reading several books now.

As for the book about American history which I started some time ago – sorry to admit, but my historic cretinism (or idiocy, call it whatever you like) is growing worse progressively. I can’t keep all those dates and events in my head. They flow out through my ear even before they enter my head through the other one, lol. So I’ll probably just put another phrase here which I like (it is by Thomas Jefferson), “I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past”, and leave this book for a while. Hm, I already put it aside, to tell the truth. *confused and blushing hard*

Some news: one of my group mates has left for Germany as Au-Pair. That means that she’ll spend the next year or something like that living in a family and helping them with the kids. She’ll thus have a chance to improve her German (which was never too good, but the girl is quite decisive and this only served as a stimulus for her) and then as far as I know she’ll probably try and enroll in some university. What amazes me about this girl the most is her decisiveness. She knows perfectly well what she wants most of the time. I can only admire that.

As for the rest, there isn’t much to tell. I am still hibernating. Waiting for something to happen which will put me into action.

That’s it
At least most of it

Take care, you all
Kisses

if

2005-02-16T14:59:00.000+03:00

now that i spent almost all my time at home i start remembering things which i thought i forgot long ago, like pieces of poetry, books, movies, music, different events and people ...

that's just one of examples :)

i don't know why but today i recalled this poem all of a sudden.

it is wise, huh?

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait, and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, not deal in lies,
Or, being hated, not give way to hating,
And yet not look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts you aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss.
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – not lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

what i think of feb 14

2005-02-14T23:45:00.000+03:00

Events of the day: Feb 14, 2005 is, or rather was, the day of surprises. But surprising as it is, the surprises were all good :).

I spent my morning fighting with internet connection. I managed to receive a message from one of my best friends and wanted to reply but couldn’t. But I Am a stubborn person, so after about 1.5 hours of mortal combat with my dial-up the reply was sent and I was quite satisfied with this little victory. Then for some time I somehow became haunted by the demons in my head (see previous post) again. So I thought I need some change. In the end I went downtown and walked for several hours there, old jazzy songs in my ears, just along the streets, watching the people, trees, buildings, etc. I really like these walks. In these instances I enjoy my idleness. Music keeps up the mood; the permanently changing scene around me occupies attention to some extent, but not too much, and leaves space in my mind for thoughts. Or I may just walk, keep myself thus “busy” and not think of anything at all. Just walk. Just move.
Anyway, this wandering around the city helped me get rid of those dark thoughts I had in the morning and before that.

And then all of a sudden I bumped into a good friend of mine. That was a pleasant surprise. We were classmates at school but we don’t see each other that often so this unexpected meeting was especially pleasant.

Later I had an Anti-St.Valentine’s Day-Strategic-Meeting with one of my best best friend :). And I loved it! Strange thing – this year there was no atmosphere of “this-is the-day-of-sweethearts-and-if-you-are-single-you-are-a-freak”, so there was no feeling of being a cripple or some mentally disabled person :) only because everyone else seems to be in love while you still “clutch at you freedom”, lol.

As for surprises I am speaking about, apart from the meeting with my ex-classmate, I received several calls and saw some people whom I haven’t seen and heard for quite a long time. Some of these apparitions quite amazed and bemused me.

As for the way this day finished – it finished just as I wanted it to finish ;)

Well, my today’s plan is fulfilled I think. Once again I let all my dear ones know that they are my dear ones and that without them my life would be quite bleak and dull and grey. Like I said, I don’t really need St. Valentine’s Day as a reason to say that. I just used this day as a one more chance to remind them of that.

Song of the day: Nat King Kole’s “That Sunday, That Summer” (after all no one cancelled my being romantic :))

Thought of the day: once again, my friends, I love you

2005-02-13T23:55:00.000+03:00

feeling quite helpless as a couple of people who are dear to me now need some cheer-up therapy, moreover some real help and i cannot do that, for different reasons. i am simply unable to help them. all i can do is just play a clown, write, say hundreds of words which are supposed to make them smile and forget for a moment about their troubles. but it's ridiculously little...

no new thoughts, the same "where am i and what am i doing here? and where am i to go from here?" plus a couple others. i got this feeling again that i'm losing some of my friends, they are getting more distant from me, not geographically, but spiritually. it's again the same thing: i watch some room. this room is my life. people come and people go. some stay for a chat, some stay longer. some leave here some things before they go, "keepsakes" which remind of them when they are gone. these things are memories, good ones, bad ones. some change the room itself, leaving a clear trace of their presence. very few've done that but the trace will always remain.but in the end the room stays empty. no matter how many people visit it and how long they stay in the end they all go away and forget the way to this room ...

2005-02-10T22:43:00.000+03:00

just another day. it's rather a good than a bad one. but the good news were balanced by bad ones.

anyway, here comes the summary of today

music of the day: Tequilajazzz, and namely "Shadows" and "Black and White"
i simply adore those two...

phrase of the day: If you gaze long into an abyss the abyss will gaze back into you
(F. Nietzsche) - this could explain many things
and not a single thought... at least not a single worthy one

2005-02-08T20:37:00.000+03:00

drawing the final line of today:

mood of the day - calm, calm like a giraffe :)

song of the day - Oasis "Stop Crying Your Heart Out"

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Why're you scared (I'm not scared)
You'll never change
What's been and gone

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

no comments...

phrase of the day - see song of the day

winter tale

2005-02-08T14:16:00.000+03:00

Just putting here a couple of nice memories, so that I don’t forget them later, which is quite possible as my memory fails me all the time :)))

My “today” started in a very hectic way. First of all I woke up at 7:50 only to find that I was as late as it is only possible. The fact is at 8:00 I was supposed to be waiting for my driving instructor. The plan was to go to a place where we will take our driving exam. It is some 30 km from where I live. Today we had to start practicing those cruel exercises…
So it was 7:50, I was still at home, in bed to be sure. First I thought I would take a couple of “oh, fuck it all” pills and stay where I am, but then I got the crazy idea that I might still be on time if I just switch on the 4th internal speed and act promptly.
Well, I managed that, lol
I was at the station at 8:00 and moreover my instructor was late himself.
I won’t describe the torture at the driving lesson. Male part of my readers won’t understand it and will laugh at me. Female part will either shed a tear in compassion or swear they’ll never try to get a driving license themselves.
Anyway I survived :)
But then we went from the “training ground” and went simply along the road to a distant settlement. The road is quite deserted there so the chance that either me or the other lady would knock someone down or cause a collision was quite small.
The way “there” the lady was driving, the instructor was swearing at her (don’t worry, then he calmed down and even made jokes) and I was sitting behind looking around (trying to remember those remarks he made and hoping I’ll manage to keep the car on the road when it’s my turn to drive)
And here’s the general picture of what I saw.
Imagine a nice quiet morning, the sun is already high and it simply dazzles you as it is very bright. The sky is crystal clear and has a special, gentle tint of light blue.
We are in the countryside. All you can see is a narrow road and fields on both sides of it. Further in the distance there are some isolated houses, maybe farms, I don’t know more precisely as I’ve never before visited those places,
So we are going along the country road and then suddenly we see a hawk. It was evidently hunting mice on the field. But when we saw it, it was simply playing with the wind. It took off and just floated in the air, turning to the airflow this and that way. Well, my words are not enough to describe the beauty of this flight but I tell you, for a moment this sight caught my breath. I forgot about the driving ordeal that was in stock for me, I forgot about the nasty instructor who had hangover after yesterday’s birthday party at a friend’s and who was because of that shouting at us all the time. I was just admiring the flight of this bird…

We drove on and on. The instructor turned to a peaceful mood and was telling us about his fishing experiences. So in the end our little trip started to look more as a joy-ride rather than a driving lesson.
And then there was another picture which made me speechless again.
We came to the lakes. Actually those are artificial lakes, a sort of storage pool.
It was cold. It was -12 in the morning and by the time we came to those lakes it was something like -8. And the lakes were all covered withpic ice. As far as you could see it was all ice. No snow at all. Not a single snowflake to see. In some places there were trees sticking out of frozen water: bare branches, snags. It was frozen scene. Frozen nature, waiting for spring.
There were some men. They made holes in the ice and were fishing there.
Perfectly winter sight. It might be hard for you to imagine this, but it was nice.

Several minutes later I somehow had to forget about those nature-winter-hawks-and-lakes thoughts of mine as it was my turn to drive and I did my best not to freak the instructor out, lol…
I don’t know whether today’s lesson helped me improve my driving skills, which are no skills yet, but I know that today’s trip gave me a couple of nice pictures which are imprinted in my memory.
I was only sorry that I didn’t have any camera with me and couldn’t make real pictures to share them with you :)))

latest news

2005-02-07T19:47:00.000+03:00

Well, let’s think that the lack of whatsoever significant events is a significant event in itself and deserves some comments from me :)

For the last week I’ve been struggling with the local mafia of communal technical service. We had to do some changes at home but of course these jerks wouldn’t even listen to us. It turned out they simply wanted to get 10 times as much as they were supposed to be paid for this service officially. Well, I think we won this battle after all, hehehe. So I’m triumphing.

Other eventless events include the beginning of another term at university. This means that from next Saturday on I won’t be able to sleep till noon (kidding, I sleep till 11:30 maximum :)) and will have to spend half of the day trying to calm down around 30 naughty 20-year-old kids during each class there. This is a hard task in itself if you know that I am 22 myself and the worst thing is that those kids KNOW I am some freaking two years older than most of them. And some are of my age if not older, hehe. They actually remember me as an alternative-style person with permanent walkman in the ears, lol.

So they can’t really think of me as a superior to them, I can’t do that either.
All this presupposes that I am going to have pretty funny time the next half a year :)))
Yet I enjoy these classes. It’s interesting, it’s fun, there’s place for a joke, etc.
But the biggest joke of all is the salary a university teacher gets. I laugh till tears stream from the eyes when I hear that a professor, a doctor of sciences (in 99% out of 100% it is an awfully clever person) gets around some freaking 100USD per month. That’s the greatest joke of our time.

Miscellaneous:
I watched “The Aviator” and although I pretty much dislike this “sweet little boy” Di Caprio I have to admit that his acting is excellent in this film. It sort of places the whole film on a different level.
I am now reading Kundera’s “Identity” (I think this is the English variant of translation) and it’s good, enjoying it a lot…
I also started a book of American history. Not that I know a zilch of American history, but I found myself in a very unpleasant situation recently because of this my history amnesia (and what can I do if I can’t keep these historic facts in my poor head??? My memory decides itself which information is useful for me and which is to be swept out with a broom. It is called “professional deformation of personality”. Instead of historic facts I tend to remember words, just words, English, German, different :)). So I decided it’s time to fresh up some facts (most of the facts from American history, lol)

Music – different, but there is a certain trend, I almost forgot about trip-hop and alike and recently I’ve been listening to Radiohead, Oasis, jazz and the things I got from my “music tutor” ;)

Song of the day: :) “Brown-Eyed Girl” (aha, right, I’m one :))

Mood – calm. It changes a lot still, but less often than a couple of weeks ago, so probably my mood-swinging disease hasn’t gone into chronic stage and still can be cured :)

Phrase of the day, week and month, and probably the motto of my whole life: what we anticipate, seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens (Benjamin Disraeli). I’ve checked it thousands of times and still become aware of its being true almost every day. So at present I do my best not to anticipate a certain event, but of course I can’t struggle with myself so I think quite soon I’ll get once more convinced that what we anticipate seldom occurs :)

Well, sorry for piling up all these thoughts and bits of information without any particular order or cause-effect link. After all it is only a warehouse of my thoughts and my thoughts are never perfect samples of belles-lettres style :)

You all take care …

2005-02-06T13:47:00.000+03:00

go here and then choose photo No. 28

2005-02-03T22:28:00.000+03:00

No songs of the day
No thoughts of the day
No phrases of the day
No events of the day
Nothing of nothing

Well, I do come to think about one and the same recent event, but it’s not the thoughts I would like to share…
So I just state that I have nothing to write about at this moment
And I just checked how my blog is doing today
Point

missing 1.5 points of my day

2005-01-29T23:06:00.000+03:00

Today can be characterized as a good day, something about 8.5 or even 9 according to 10-point scale. Someone even tried to make it a total 10 and succeeded to make the evening a firm 10.

As for the missing 1.5-1 points it is the reason of what deserves to be called a wonderful example of “fucking Russland”. Of course you might observe this in any part of the world but here you come across this phenomenon several times every single day!

I am talking about real bad service, rather the absence of any service.

This time I needed just to send a fax and as I don’t have a fax machine at home I had to go to post office. I addressed the lady there with, “Good morning, I need to send a fax to Istanbul, please”. She mumbled something about, “We only send faxes to a place Russia, all others…”. I Actually I have a 100% hearing but still I didn’t catch what she articulated there, especially as she didn’t even glance up at me and kept her head down being busy evidently with imitating feverish activity. By the way I was the only client there as it was quite early. So I asked her to repeat once more. This time she looked up and screamed the same what she whispered a minute before shooting a glance at me which can easily nail down a bull. I had the desire to crash the fax machine on her head but unfortunately couldn’t reach it so had to restrict myself to saying that she doesn’t really have to scream.

That was one episode.

Another one could in other circumstances cost me a lot.

I came to the bank with the intention to withdraw a certain sum from my account and there found out that they “don’t work with foreign currency accounts today as there are no clients” and they “don’t have a person to work with these accounts right now”. Hey, am I not a client? There was another man there who also needed to perform some similar operation. What is it? How can I call such treatment? And what if I had to leave the next day early in the morning or something like that?

This is the Russian service reality. The law “the client is always right” doesn’t work here. They aren’t aware of it. You have to do all the smiling, to almost beg to make them give you what you want. And they will look at you as if you are some fly on the counter. If you enter a shop they will most likely evaluate you first. If they think you are going to buy anything they’ll move their asses and probably start jumping around and lick the soles of your shoes (provided these are Armani shoes). If they decided you aren’t worth the trouble they’ll just watch you better than KGB agents to make sure you aren’t going to steal anything.

So I have to go to a shop wearing my best suit?

Well, the situation is clear with shops. But what are we to do with others – all those who are considered to be servicing personnel? Shout at them? Threaten them? Treat them the same? Curse at them? It’s all useless. They just don’t give a shit about people they are supposed to help, assist, etc. they are big shots, VIPI’s, stars, almost gods !

The situation is changing a little for the better, that’s true. But it is mostly in Moscow and other major cities. As for the provincial swamp which is called Krasnodar it’ll take centuries for the “service civilization” to reach our “public institutions”.

And till then the service leaves much to be desired…

what kills me

2005-01-28T22:34:00.000+03:00

as i found out there are several things which "torture" me most (here i am not speaking about serious matters, so don't expect a heart-breaking story. i'll tell you one of such some other time, on one of my black black days. today is not a day of this kind, especially the evening). so, coming back to the "torture"... i become more and more convinced that impatience and boredom are my most evel foes. i can't wait, i better take the risk at once than spend any more time sitting still and testing my nervous system. and right now i am forced to wait, wait and wait... this can drive anyone mad. you get all sorts of thoughts in your mind, you play all scenarios of what could have happened or couldn't have, of what you should have said or what you would, all types of dialogues, scenes, different background for these plays in you head. you turn out to be a much greater script writer than any of those guys who get oscar. those dialogues in your head are the miracle of diplomacy and tact and the conversations are built according to Dale Carnegie tips. so you wait, wait, wait and as practice shows the more you wait the less is the chance that the awaited event happens while you are waiting for it. so the best strategy here is to pretend (and it is very very important that you convince yourself in it!) that you are not waiting for it any more.
so then you are not staring directly at the phone, for example. you sit quite close to it, hold it within your reach and look at it from the corner of your eye (it is easier for women as their lateral sight or side sight-don't know how to call it-is developed better-they have more practice as they have the habit of watching men from the corner of the eye:)). so you sit there and perform this auto-training, "i am NOT waiting for this call, i am NOT, NOT, NOT" (and think, "Damn it, i AM waiting for this damned call, i AM, i AM, i AM").
well, there still comes a moment when something distracts your attention from the cruel machine and then all of a sudden, at the least appropriate moment ever the telephone starts ringing (and you really don't even think about it!). and then of course you forget all those scripts of this dialogue you've made up in your head and start stammering and stuttering and saying the wrong things and trying hard not to miss any important part... and in the end you think, "i fucked it up!" or "what the hell!!! is that all i was waiting for for sooo long???damn!"

well, guys, don't pay attention to this midnight crap. i just need to leave the load somewhere and warehouse seems to be the right place
i think i am going to bed now

one more thing..
which is almost a tradition already
phrase of the day (i liked this one a lot): if you don't have anything to say, then better say nothing

2005-01-27T21:52:00.000+03:00

in reply to the public's request...
thought of the day - i HATE crowds, i.e. standing in lines, and bureaucracy
music of the day - the soundtrack of "Romeo and Juliette" directed by Baz Lurman and my favourite "Tequilajazzz"
as for the rest-i am in the state of waiting...

recent event

2005-01-26T23:29:00.000+03:00

Well, wanted to describe one little event which stirred my thoughts but now my thoughts are stirred by smth quite different :). Anyway still think I would share it with you…
The necessary preliminary information to the following lines is the fact that I hate discrimination of any kind. And yesterday I came across a very singular type of discrimination.
So yesterday I went to the bank and there in front of me stood an elderly man. At first sight just, an ordinary man, in his seventies I think, wearing old shabby uniform of some kind with some distinction signs, evidently a veteran of Great Patriotic War (which is when Russia joined World War II).
All of a sudden he addressed me. He started showing me some book he had – about how people from Kuban (that’s our region) took part in the campaign to Berlin in 1945. He showed his photo there (which means that he also took part in this campaign). Fine, but the way he said all that!!! Like “Well, young people nowadays are sooooo ignorant, they don’t know history at all. You, do you know who Hitler was???” At this remark I tried to answer more or less politely that I have studied at school and know pretty well who Hitler was. But he seemed not to notice what I said, he had a clear programme in his head and wanted to give it all out. So he started telling me in most primitive phrases who the hell Hitler was. He asked me several times more if I know who Hitler and Napoleon were. I tried to inform him that I attended school, moreover I have some experience of university as well. Useless.
Good. Then he gave some figures – the strengths of troops in this campaign. He said “Well, we had some 600000. Hey, you can count, can’t you???” I replied as calmly as I could that surprising as it was I could count, moreover I could even read!!!
He watched me as if I were some blank spot on the ground.
All this was said perfectly seriously. No joking, no old good man telling the heroic deeds of his past. And this man was quite sane, believe me! It was pure contempt of the present generations. It was equal to saying “We saved your asses. You are nothing, zilch, you are not worth our sacrifices. You are all fools and idiots. You are ungrateful pigs, all of you!”
Of course I understand how he might feel, how all these people might feel. They deserve better life. They get very low pension, have lots of problems etc, etc. But who gave this one the right to insult other people??? It’s just the discrimination of all people born after 1945 by this hero from “war generation”. This is disgusting!
And one more thing. It was quite clear in that speech that I was regarded not only as a representative of “young ungrateful pigs” but as one of the “blacks” as well. A little explanation is necessary here…You see, our region is very favourable. It is good for economy and all that: weather conditions, natural resources, recreational potential… So it naturally attracts people from other parts of Russia and neighbouring states and even from countries further off. Here we have lots and lots of nationalities. I am even afraid to call the figure. And naturally there are numerous conflicts because of that. Those who consider themselves “native inhabitants” here (which by the way they are not”!!!) are very displeased that people of other nations come here and live here (though some of these nations live here for hundreds and hundreds of years, they came here much earlier than “Russians” did. Never mind.)
And so most people of other nationalities (especially those of Caucasus nations) are called “blacks” because they mostly have dark hair and eyes. I sort of belong to this category as well and I’m already used to hearing the question (said with despising intonation), “Are you Georgian or Agygean or Armenian or what???”
And when that old man spoke to me he addressed me also as a representative of those “black” nations.
Shit! That is disgusting!
Who gave him the right to insult any person!!! I know hundreds of examples which would prove that people of these nationalities are in many instances much better than Russians, they are more friendly, more helpful, they worship family, stick together and that’s why they are strong. Russians admit that themselves. So what is this??? Simply envy? You can find bad people in any nationality. And who said any of any nations is worse than any other???
I was simply sick of this conversation (which was more a monologue of that old man as I was trying to ignore him as hard as I could)!

same

2005-01-24T15:31:00.000+03:00

Same shit – different day
Same shit – different week,
Same shit - different month,
Same shit - different season,
Same shit - different year,
Same shit – same shitty life,
Same shit - same shitty person (i.e. me) with same shitty thoughts and same shitty ideas and same shitty events or rather their absence

Well, the fact is I am sooo bored

p.s.
phrase of the day "Why try to crash the wall with your head if in the result you'll only find yourself in another [prison] cell". still not sure about if i give the right translation...
music of the day - first albums of Radiohead

:)

2005-01-23T13:45:00.000+03:00

Wanted to describe the wonderful day I had yesterday but nothing much comes out :). Well, maybe I just start and see what I get as a result.
Probably the whole secret of a good day is to start it with a smile, I mean not a smile in the morning when you wake up but a smile when the day only begins – midnight in other words. At least it really worked yesterday for me :). Later in the day I decided to ring up some of my best with whom for different unreasonable reasons I hadn’t communicated much since 2004. It just happened so – each of us was evidently too busy trying to make a solid beginning of the year and fulfilling the new resolutions as hard as we could – which is of course pure bullshit as I didn’t do anything in this respect :).
So I called my old buddy Vladimir and got wonderful news – the guy finally found a job which is simply great as he stayed unemployed since the beginning of august if I am not mistaken. It was a hard period for him, both in terms of finance and just because sitting at home doing nothing is a hard task. I know what I am speaking about as I am experiencing the same shit right now. So like I said he finally got a job – nothing super-duper, but at least it is more or less interesting for him as it is connected with his main hobby of life – music and it gives him a chance to do something at last.
And then I called another old buddy Zhenya and here we somehow turned to lyrical recollections of how long we know each other and how much happened since the summer which was probably the best summer so far for me, for him and for some of our friends. So it was a very pleasant chat.
I got my pat on the back from both. Strange thing – it’s usually me who gives a pat but I turned out to need one myself once in a while.
After these calls my face really represented a tennis ball with a typical American smile, i.e. from one ear to the other ;). And then followed another round of multi-dimensional communication which I’ve been enjoying for exactly one month if still I am not mixing the timing :). And this gave me another 10002 V of positive emotions.
The evening went according to the motto “Cinema, cinema, cinema”. I finally got the chance to see 2 films which I wanted to see for quite a long time. “Love story” with Jean Reno and my favourite Juliette Benoche, perfectly French film, I really enjoyed it and maybe someone would now grin knowingly and say, “Oh, those hopeless romantics! Dumb cows!” To hell with those people. At least it is a beautiful story (unreal but still…) which is useful to soften the heart now and then and not to let you turn into a cynic person hiding all emotions under a stainless steel shell. It’s shown with sophisticated European humour which I like a lot and it’s not just a typical “happy-end” Hollywood movie.
The other one was “The sixth sense”. Yeah, stop laughing, I really hadn’t watched it before yesterday. Just missed it at some point. It is really good. I don’t have to praise the final part, it is great. But somehow I draw in my mind the parallel with another one, “The others”. There are similar features in the two.
Anyway I enjoyed both of them, though this combination – a love story followed by a psychological thriller, is somewhat weird :).
So that was the end of a happy day (as I see it). Well, the beginning of today followed without delay, again in the same place which becomes a usual hang-out for me :). This is nothing else but msn or yahoo :))) in combination with orkut.
It’s strange what a person needs to feel happy. Sometimes really “the world is not enough” and sometimes it’s just a smile from a friend, even if you can just imagine this smile as you don’t see it. And sometimes it is just wandering along the streets of a city with favourite music playing into your ears and watching the sky above you, all alone, just enjoying life as it is, your solitude, your thoughts…
At this “lyrical point” let me put a stop.
Take care you all
Hugs

P.S. music of the day - De-Phazz
phrase of the day - life is grand :)
mood of the day - great, as simple as that

2005-01-21T15:34:00.000+03:00

the main purpose in life is to find a purpose in life-M., i think i am citing the words of Kobliakov? or am i not :))). whatever. anyone got spare purposes in life to share with me??? if so plz mail them as soon as possible to shrew_cat@mail.ru :)

"purpose of life wanted! reward-lifetime gratitude ;)"

2005-01-20T23:45:00.000+03:00

just a couple of words before going to bed:
mood of the day-indifferent
phrase of the day-no phrases of the day
song of the day-definitely try, try,try by smashing pumpkins :)

and in general, i am bored to death

i just remembered this long-forgotten poem

2005-01-19T17:44:00.000+03:00

There is a Smile of Love
And there is a Smile of Deceit
And there is a Smile of Smiles
In which these two Smiles meet.

And there is a Frown of Hate
And there is a Frown of Disdain
And there is a Frown of Frowns
That you strive to forget in vain,

For it sticks in the Heart’s deep Core
And it sticks in the deep Back bone
And no Smile that ever was smiled
But only one Smile alone

That between the Cradle and Grave
It only once Smiled can be
And when it once is Smiled
There is an End to all Misery.

W. Blake

phrase of the day

2005-01-19T15:24:00.000+03:00

the atmosphere and events whitout you are created by the atmosphere and events within you

trouble troubles you when you don't expect it

2005-01-18T13:07:00.000+03:00

Don’t trouble trouble until the trouble troubles you!
Very good advice but the freaking trouble could at least give me some hint when it was going to trouble me J. HAMSTERS IN TOWN!!! Bringing back the words of our medical course lecturer at the university, “All diseases are the result of nerves, only five of them are from pleasure” I wonder what nervous breakdown caused these alterations in my personality :P.

Oh, one more important event today along with potential having my gum cut to pieces-I have the first class of driving course, of course if I am in the state to go there after my visit to the doc.
Better late than never. When I told one acquaintance that I FINALLY decided to get a driving license I received the remark, “Isn’t it a bit too late???” why should it be too late? I am not dying yet, I still have all the 6 (hehe) senses and before I was always too busy working and studying and working and studying. So I am the future Michael Schumacher!!! :D

As for the rest: mood is great,
a huuuuuge part of this pleasant fact is stipulated by the multidimensional communication ;)
Part of it is because lately I’ve listened to so much amazing music- Marina, thanx for that cd with jazz, I loved it!!! Sid, thanx for all those songs you sent me-I loved them, I told you already, I fell in love. BUT thanx god this time it’s only music ;)

Yesterday I watched “Big fish” after all J. I wouldn’t say it is the greatest movie ever. It is not. But I still liked the camera man work. I really loved some of the shots-like those when “time freezes”, people standing still, flowers frozen in the air, a cat hanging somewhere, again frozen in the middle of a jump. I also quite liked the music. As always I was rolling on the floor watching Steve Buscemi-love this actor! But in general I really expected a little more.

My boss called me a couple of minutes ago to say she ahs forgotten to send the originals of Certificates of payment and my contract to the head office, says that she’s got a bullet in her head-I absolutely agree with her :P

I think that’s all for the moment
Take care you all
And farewell, in case I don’t survive the “turning-from-hamster-into-usual-me” ;)
kisses

crossroads again

2005-01-16T18:04:00.000+03:00

Hey, does anyone here know how I could find out what to do with myself in the following couple of months. It looks as if I am at the crossroads again. The freaky management in the head quarter extends the contract for me only for a month or two at a time and I never know if they do it next time or say good-bye to me because they have reduced the financing of the project and simply cannot afford an interpreter in every of the 6 country project offices on the permanent basis in the next 3 years (that’s the time the project will work evidently). So e.g. on Dec 20, 2004 I got a contract for Nov and Dec. (I wonder what part of the body these idiots use for thinking process???). Well, I signed it and am still waiting for them to pay for these 2 months-very good. But no one knows (again) whether I AM working within the project or I AM NOT.
After all I am sick and tired already of waiting for the situation to clear up. It is going on for some 3-4 months already, only promises, short-term contacts and not a hint about “what happens nest month”. After all I would readily leave but there’s another “but” here. It’s awfully difficult to find something more or less connected with what I am doing and decently paid (the combination does not seem to exist) here. When someone needs interpreter here he/she uses private contacts/relatives etc. etc. to find one. There are NO such vacancies. And even if there are I am kind of tied up to this work of mine. So I am floating again in unknown direction.
And after all I really don’t want to stay here, in Russia, in Krasnodar. I don’t belong here really. I hate the only idea of spending my whole life struggling to find a job, after that to make two ends meet, to go to work and back every evening just to find myself sitting in the kitchen at 60-something and lamenting my life, asking myself, “What the hell did I live for??? What have I seen out of what I wanted to see? Was it all worth all the trouble I’ve taken? All those sleepless nights as a student, working 24/7?” That’s not a very cheerful prospect.
So I came to the opinion (again) that it’s time to move away from here. At least for some time. Maybe I won’t like what I find. But at least later I’ll have smth. to compare my present life with. And in this case I’ll have no regrets, no reasons to regret that at some point I didn’t have enough courage to move ahead, to break some ties and leave things I have now.
And here is another problem. It turns out that the only possibility to go to live in another country now is doing Au-Pair. Naturally I would prefer studying but the chances that I do win a grant or scholarship is really tiny, it’s all based on bribes.
So I am waiting now for the results but I am sort of more and more inclined to start arranging Au-Pair in spring. It would be silly to spend another year just planning and deciding what to do. After all I am not losing much-I have no stable job, no great career opportunities opening in front of me.
At least I’ll improve my German :)

the truth

2005-01-13T01:06:00.000+03:00

And there, in the centre of the inmost court, that might have been some fifty yards square, or a little more, we stood face to face with what is perhaps the grandest allegorical work of Art that the genius of her children has ever given to the world. For in the exact centre of the court, placed upon a thick square slab of rock, was a huge round ball of dark stone, some forty feet in diameter, and standing on the ball was a colossal winged figure of a beauty so entrancing and divine that when I first gazed upon it, illuminated and shadowed as it was by the soft light of the moon, my breath stood still, and for an instant my heart ceased its beating.
The statue was hewn from marble so pure and white that even now, after all those ages, it shone as the moonbeams danced upon it, and its height was, I should say, a trifle under twenty feet. It was the winged figure of a woman of such marvellous loveliness and delicacy of form that the size seemed rather to add to than to detract from its so human and yet so spiritual beauty. She was bending forward and poising herself upon her half-spread wings as thought to preserve her balance as she leant. Her arms were outstretched like those of some woman about to embrace one she dearly loved, while her whole attitude gave an impression of the tenderest beseeching. Her perfect and most gracious form was naked, save – and here came the extraordinary thing – the face which was thinly veiled, so that we could only trace the marking of her features. A gauzy veil was thrown round and about the head, and of its two ends one fell down across her left breast, which was outlined beneath it, and one, now broken, streamed away upon the air behind her.
“Who is she?” I asked, as soon as I could take my eyes off the statue.
“Canst thou not guess, oh Holly?” answered Ayesha. “Where then is thy imagination? It is the Truth standing on the World, and calling to its children to unveil her face. See what is writ upon the pedestal.”

‘Is there no man that will draw my veil and look upon my face, for it is very fair? Unto him who draws my veil shall I be, and peace will I give him, and sweet children of knowledge and good works.’
And a voice cried, ‘Though all those who seek after thee desire thee, behold! Virgin art thou, and Virgin shalt thou go till Time be done. No man is there born of woman who may draw thy veil and live, nor shall be. By Death only can thy veil be drawn, oh Truth!’
And Truth stretched out her arms and wept, because those who sought her might not find her, nor look upon her face to face.

H.R. Haggard “She”

well, you'll ask "why the hell she posted a piece of a book here???" - the answer is primitive, 'cause i adore this piece of the book, as simple as that.

requiem for a dream

2005-01-11T20:38:00.000+03:00

i really can't get that Adagio by Samuel Barber out of my mind for the last few days. it's so beautiful, the violins are speaking to your very soul. it's really a requiem for a dream (any dream, just a person's dream, something sacred you crave for) - mind, no plagiary meant :)... so as i usually associate some significant periods of my life with certain music then the beginning of 2005 will evidently remain as the period of requiem, huh? :)

one more thing

2005-01-09T19:39:00.000+03:00

one more thing - my grandpa (and this is a very wise person) has told me more than once, "Rosinka, before you go to sleep think about the day you've lived. how you lived it, what it brought to you, what you've learned. analyze it, every single day..." well, i really think it is very good advice but i am bad at following advice of any kind. well, here it will be an attempt to do this analysis. i will not load the blog with everyday "much ado about nothing", just now and then, 'cause otherwise i seem to learn no lessons from some of the situations in my life :)as i fall asleep too quickly as soon as the head touches the pillow, hehe

welcome back...

2005-01-09T00:40:00.000+03:00

hahaha...just deleted a blog yesterday and here i am. seems like i really need a place where i can leave the thoughts that keep bothering me. of course it means that some stranger might come across them and have a good hearty laugh reading the things here. well then, you are all welcome, my friends (even those i do not know). please, come, read the crap written here, laugh. i am an ordinary person with ordinary thoughts, nothing special. i'll only be happy if any of these "considerations" here make you smile and moreover make you think a bit...